1 kid to 2 and 2 to 3

They say change is inevitable and this is certainly a very applicable statement when it comes to growing your family.  Whether you are making the jump from 1 child to 2 or from 2 to 3, there are going to be some growing pains.  This applies to your children’s experience of change within your family system but also your relationship with your partner both as it relates to the way you choose to manage your family’s logistics as well as the availability of time to spend with one another.  Regardless of whether you are going from 1 to 2 or 2 to 3 children, some things will seem easier and things that are harder.

In your new reality, there are going to be pluses (rewards) and minuses (challenges).  Some challenges:  with more then one child, there is just more to do and less time for “breaks” (I know, what’s a break when you are a parent?).  When you had only one child, chances were good that there were times when your child was napping and you had some moments to yourself, even if that meant you were cleaning up from a meal or moving the toys out of major walkways.  Now, you may find that even if the baby is asleep, your older child or children are awake.  And there are the behavioral challenges with older children who are likely to have a lot of feelings about a sibling arriving on the scene, not to mention normal developmental behaviors.  You may feel like the baby is the “easy” one.

Some of the rewards are that you will hopefully be more confident in your role as a parent when this isn’t your first “rodeo.”  In some cases, some of the new parent anxiety that happens the first time around is less intense.  Or, if you anticipate that depression and anxiety are things you will struggle with postpartum, you may have proactively found support in order to minimize these challenges ahead of time.  You also may have childcare in place already if you have a nanny for your older child or children.  This means that when the baby comes along, you have an extra set of hands that you may not have had when it was your first. 

I can’t personally comment on whether it is easier to go from 1 to 2 or 2 to 3 as I have 2 children and that was all I knew I would have or could handle, for that matter.  My father-in-law once told me that if I decided to have a 3rd child, I could only ever bring 2 to visit at one time.  He was kidding, but I think 2 is all he could handle as well (my husband is an only child so 2 seems like a lot for them).  I will say that going from 1 to 2 can be a bigger adjustment that many expect it will be.  I do think it was helpful for me to know that all of the tough newborn phases were just that, phases that would pass and we would move onto something easier.  Often when my older child was a baby and people told me that things would get easier, I didn’t believe them.  Now I had that firsthand knowledge. 

Most people I talk to about having a 3rd child will tell me that at this point in time, they are used to the increased level of chaos in their home so another child doesn’t phase everyone as much.  They know to expect it to be loud and for someone to always have a need at most moments.  In two parent households, you also go from having “man to man coverage” to “zone defense.”  Both parents really need to be as actively involved as possible to support one another, especially when the kids are little.  Often, parents of 3 children feel like by the time they have a 3rd, they are so laid back about the limits that the set with the 1st two that the 3rd one gets a way with a LOT.  My favorite story about the 3rd child is from many years ago when we were at friends’ for brunch.  Their 1st 2 kid are close in age and close in age to my two kids.  The 3rd is several years younger.  The big kids were all paying together while we got brunch together.  Eventually the youngest got hungry and came in the kitchen asking for lunch.  The mom then went to the freezer, took out the ice cream and scooped some into a bowl for her lunch.  She looked at me and said “Don’t judge me, she broke us.”  My response was that I certainly didn’t judge her, I could not have handled a 3rd child, I just didn’t want my kids to see her having ice cream for lunch because then they would want them same 😆