Finding your Identity as a New Mom
These days, many moms are professionals. We are doctors, lawyers, professors, artists, teachers, therapists, and many, many other professions under the sun. Becoming a mom often means that that identity starts to shift as we take on the new and very demanding role of motherhood. I know that I personally found it very confusing when it happened to me. This shift can sometimes leave us feeling untethered and wondering “Who am I, really?”
After my daughter was born (my older child) many years ago, I went from working full time to staying home and taking care of her full time. I have a vivid memory of filling out a form at a doctor’s office where I was asked my occupation. I remember sitting there in that waiting room with my pen hovering over the page trying to figure out what I should fill into that blank line for “occupation.” Am I a social worker? Am I a stay at home mom? Am I a social worker/stay at home mom? And if I am not part of my profession at the moment, who am I really? Do I have value? What is my identity really? So many questions to be asking myself in that waiting room. Like so many other women of our generation, I worked hard to get to where I was professionally. I went to school for a long time, I learned how to become great at my job, I put in all those clinical hours and I took hard tests that I studied for for many months in order to obtain my license. Now that I was a mom, and a stay at home mom at that, was I throwing that all away for my new identity as a mom?
I wish I could offer you answers here as to how to reconcile this identity. I truly believe that this is different for every mom. I do know that our identity is an ever-shifting experience and can take time to evolve. It is not static in maybe the way we might expect when we are forming our sense of self in our 20s and 30s. I also believe that because our identity is often tied to what we do with ourselves throughout the day, your identity is going to be inextricably linked to whether you are a mom who stays home after their child or children are born or you are a mom who goes back to work, either part time or full time. I think it is also a question of whether you think of yourself as a mom first and then whatever else you do with your time second. I also think that this can flip flop around depending on where you are in life.
Let me be very clear, we are all working moms. Staying home and raising children full time is most definitely not the easy path and in many ways is harder than going back to paid, out of the home work.
So while I don’t have answers, here are some things that I would try to remember as you work towards sorting out your identity as a new mom:
It Takes Time: Just because you became a mom the minute your first child was born, doesn’t mean that you will know what that means about who you are for a while. Practice patience as you get to know this new you.
It Can Change: You may stay home for a period of time and then decide to go back to out of the house work. That means that you may have one identity for a while and then an entirely different one at a different stage of motherhood. Just because you are home now, doesn’t mean that it is forever. Or, as you are returning to work, you may decide that part of your identity as a working mom means that you need to prioritize your family over work in some moments and work towards establishing firmer boundaries.
Being a Stay at Home Mom is a JOB. Sometimes it helps to think of it that way, even if it means that your boss or coworkers are pint size, sometimes disorderly and seem like they are holding your ability to eat, sleep and pee in peace hostage. Remind yourself the work you are doing at home IS work, it’s important and it matters.
And if you're feeling a little lost, we love these tips from The EveryMom, on how best to start feeling like yourself again including: doing something that makes you feel strong, connecting with a friend that really knows you, and finding the ability to let some things go.
Will you ever feel like you did pre-motherhood? Probably not. And that’s okay. But you can start to find or maybe discover yourself, perhaps your new self again. Your identity isn’t lost, she’s just becoming a new version of you.