Maternal gatekeeping
What is maternal gatekeeping?
In probably every session of The Chicago New Moms Group that I have run over the last nearly 10 years, there is always a discussion of dad involvement in the caretaking of babies. Often this is expressed by a mom who will say, “I just can’t watch him do X [insert change the baby, soothe, feed, care for, etc]. It makes me too anxious. She always cries more when he does it. He doesn’t do things the way I do them. It’s just easier for me to do it all.” Every once in a while, a mom will say that her partner is better at caretaking responsibilities then she is but most often, I hear moms saying that they feel that their partner isn’t as skilled at these tasks and so, out of a desire to just make things easier and thereby quicker and with less crying, she does almost everything for the baby herself. It wasn’t until somewhat recently that I learned that this phenomenon has a name: maternal gatekeeping. In its actual definition, maternal gatekeeping is when moms control dad’s household responsibilities or interactions with their children. This has been studied since the 70s, but it wasn’t until 1999 when the first major study revealed that even in dual-earner households, women who were gate-keepers did 5 more hours of family work each week. ***For the purposes of this article, this concept will be discussed as it presents itself in families with a mom and a dad. Certainly these sorts of dynamic can develop in same sex couples but down different dividing lines.
I always work towards reminding moms that due to our largely unequal parental leave circumstances in the United States, whereby women are often the only parent granted a leave that guarantees their jobs will remain for the duration of their all too meager time off, moms end up spending more time with babies in the first few months of their lives, just by default. As a result, they are solitary ones putting in the exhausting hours of parenting their newborn. Since these are skills best learned “on the job,” moms often become the experts faster then dads simply due to the fact that they are the ones putting in the time. Also, since babies in our culture often form a primary attachment to the one parent that they spend the most time with in the first 4 months of their lives, it can seem like it is only mom who a baby looks to for comfort especially in the first year.
Dads can become experts on their babies too
This doesn’t mean, however, that dads can’t do these things. I remind moms that dads just need to be given a chance to build their own level of expertise at these tasks. They need the opportunity to become experts too and the space to do so without being under a watchful and sometimes micromanaging mom’s gaze. Understandably, the early months with a baby are a time that often feels very out of control. For many moms who struggle with even a low level of anxiety, there is often a strong urge to try to control as many aspects of the home as possible and sometimes this means all of the childcare responsibilities. Many dads already struggle with sense of low self-efficacy as parents of newborns because they aren’t there as much as they might like to be. Being told how to do things often intensifies the shame they may already be feeling. If a dad has low self confidence in his ability to care for his baby, then he is less likely to participate in those tasks.
Shared childcare leads to improved gender equality at home
Sharing the responsibility of caring for children has value beyond just giving moms a break. First and foremost, it can create a more balanced system of gender equality in the home. It is also important for children to understand that more then one parent is capable of caring for them. As children grow, if only one parent has taken on a greater portion of the childcare responsibilities, this can often be a recipe for burnout as this is clearly an extremely demanding job.
Dad involvement benefits the whole family
Not only does dads’ involvement take some of the burden off of moms, but it has long term benefits for the whole family as well. For children, it leads to higher IQ, better school readiness and improved social skills and emotional regulation and empathy, as well as increased attachment, emotional security and independence. For involved dads, there is a decrease in mental health issues, increased confidence as well as better parenting and relationship satisfaction. Moms with involved partners also report fewer mental health issues, increased responsiveness, greater confidence and more affection towards their families.
Carve out time and space specifically for dads and babies
Even with everyone’s busy lives when dads are often at work much of the day while moms are home on maternity leave, there are ways to incorporate dads early on. Here are some ways to give him that much needed time to hone his parenting skills and develop his own way of doing things.
Find a task that can always be his to do. Bath and bedtime routine are great for this and this is a good time for moms to go to an exercise class, meet up with a friend for dinner or just relax and take a shower.
If evening is hard because he doesn’t get home until after bedtime, morning is often when babies are at their happiest. Let him take the first feeding of the day while mom gets in an extra hour of sleep.
Take a couple of hours on a weekend to either run errands or do something for yourself (like a mani/pedi, massage or just coffee with a friend) when he can be in charge on his own. This is good for everyone! He will figure out his way of caring for the baby just like you have your way. No, it won’t be the same as how mom does things but that’s okay. Make this a weekly tradition so that everyone knows that this time is carved out.