Returning to work as a new mom

When I ask new moms what their biggest parenting concerns are, most often returning to work is at the top of the list.  I find that the maternity leave countdown looms large as an ever present ticker checking off the days that go by both slowly and quickly all at the same time.  While in the last nearly 14 years of running The Chicago New Moms Group, I have seen positive changes in the amount of time moms are getting for leave, the average has remained about 3 months.  It used to be that it was unheard of for anyone to have 6 months of leave unless their company was based outside of the US and magnanimously was offering what was standard in the country where the company was based and not in alignment with the culture of the country where the mom lives.  Now, it isn’t unusual for a few moms in each group to have a 6 month leave.  Finally!  This is really what it should be (at least) based on what moms need for recovery, what babies need in order to really be more ready to separate and for your brain to be ready to function at least close to capacity.   Let’s not forget that babies are often like a potato in the early newborn weeks, only starting to wake up and be fun, interesting and engaging right at the moment when most moms’ leaves are ending.

So setting aside the fact that the point in time when most moms are required to return to work versus when they are really ready to go back to work are drastically misaligned, how does one actually make this next step in the long road of what is the next life adjustment period as a working parent?  I find that it is helpful to take a few things into account when you are returning to work.  First, I would remember that the fact that going back to work is difficult is not your fault.  This is a result of the fact that there are often not systems in place to ease this transition for moms.  I highly recommend listening to the Sleepy Qs podcast interview that we did with Lauren Brody, the author of The Fifth Trimester where she talks more about this.  Please be realistic about the fact that you are not returning to work the same person you were when you left to have your baby.  You have already learned in the last several weeks that becoming a mom changes everything about who we are.  It is unrealistic to think that you can just jump back in as if nothing changed.  Second, you may not feel the same way about your job when you return as you did before.  This is understandable.  For many of us, our jobs or careers are a defining part of our identity.  As a mom, you may now be realizing that there are things in life that now feel more important then your job used to be.  Lastly, cut yourself a lot of slack when you are returning.  So many women in general give 150% in their jobs.  It is okay to come back and just give 100%.  I promise, people will still be impressed by you if you just do what is in your job description and not more.  This is a brief moment in time when things are going to feel a bit chaotic.  Having a small child is exhausting on many levels and time consuming.  There will be a time in the future when your brain isn’t going in a million directions and you feel focused once again.  I promise your focus will come back (I am speaking from the other side now that my kids are big) .

As for how to make that transition a bit smoother…

• Think about all of the things/jobs you are doing while you are still at home.  Make an actual list.  Those are still things that need to be done once you are back at work and not taking care of things that come up while are you simultaneously caring for a newborn.  Now that you have your list, sit down with your partner and decide who is going to do these things once you are back at work.  Divide things up, decide if there are things that can be outsourced.  I love the concepts in the book/card game Fairplay for divvying up all the things you are currently doing but also thinking about things like who is responsible for filling out the endless child related forms, who plans birthday parties, who sends out holiday cards, and the list goes on…I also love the Real Simple Printable Chore Chart for Couples.  These are conversations you may need to have repeatedly as you renegotiate roles in your home.  I would also encourage you to discuss with your partner who gets called first when your child is sick or who is in charge when something out of the ordinary happens like you need to take your child to an unplanned doctor’s appointment.

• Think about what would make your job more possible/more doable now that you are a parent.  And now think about whether you could have a conversation with your boss/manager/higher up about certain adjustments or changes that could be made that would enable you to both do your job well and also still feel like you are showing up as a mom.  This doesn’t have to be a forever proposal.  In fact, sometimes presenting it as a short term option can be a good way to start.  Maybe this means more work from home days?  Maybe this means you end your work day earlier (daycare pick up is often a very defined boundary that parents have to adhere to otherwise there are extreme financial consequences) with the understanding that you will be back online for a certain period of time after bedtime.  If there is a parent group (either in person or virtual), find out what others have been able to ask for.

• Think about where YOU fit into all this new craziness of mom/baby/work life.  I think that the word I hear most from moms across all groups and over all these years is GUILT.  Moms feel more guilt over pretty much everything than any other role a person could hold in society.  I know that in those initial postpartum months, it can be hard to even identify what would make you feel like you or if you had time/support, what you would do.  But as the fog of early motherhood clears, there is value in taking that time to do something whether it is once a week, once every other week, once a month that fills you up.  Maybe it is spending an hour reading a book or working out or laughing with a friend.  Taking care of yourself is not something to feel guilty about.  It is something that can actually help you be a mom.  Everyone knows what they tell you on a plane…Put your oxygen mask on first before you help others ❤️