Stop Telling Me to Sleep When the Baby Sleeps

This blog article is a real treat! It was written and sent to me by a mom who participated in a session of The Chicago New Moms Group back in July 2021. I love how she so clearly articulates the experience that so many new moms have and she also offers guidance that is rarely heard. Nikki Ziolo is a communications professional, Chicago native and mom of a four-month-old baby girl. You can follow her journey of motherhood on Instagram]

Growing up and into my adult life, I wasn’t around babies often. I babysat once for my neighbors, and the parents came home to find me fast asleep on the couch. Needless to say, that was my first and last time babysitting for their family. It’s not that I didn’t like babies, but that “goo-goo-gah-gah” feeling when in the presence of a newborn was not something I felt. 

I’m not sure why, then, I was so excited about having a baby of my own. But sure enough, here I am, four months into my journey with a beautiful baby girl. As I feed my new human every three hours, gaze in awe at her while she sleeps in her crib, and console her during the dreaded witching hours, I find myself reflecting on how my husband and I survived those first few months of parenthood, both in one piece. 

Every personality test I’ve taken has put me squarely in the Type A bucket. So naturally, I did everything I could think of to prepare for my baby’s arrival. I labeled all of the drawers and clothes in her nursery so I could easily find things. I bought every product the mom blogs and experts recommended, including multiple variations of products like bouncers and bottles so we’d have options in case she favored one brand over the other. I poured over as many books, articles, podcasts and lists as I could get my hands on. I sought advice during my baby showers and when I would see a new mom at a local coffee shop, always asking what I could do to be the best mom possible. The list goes on. 

What I heard over and over again were cliche pieces of advice like, “sleep when the baby sleeps.” In theory, this generational wisdom makes sense. But, as a Type A personality, I took this advice very literally. I found myself trying to sleep at every nap the baby took. So every hour, I’d close myself in my bedroom in the dark to create an ideal sleep environment and try desperately to turn my anxious new-mom brain off in an attempt to rejuvenate only to become frustrated that I couldn’t actually fall asleep and catch up on the rest I needed and depressed from the dark cave-like environment I’d found myself holed up in. I used to be such an expert napper, why couldn’t I do it now? Is this what parenthood was? If so, I was not cut out for it.

While most of the words of wisdom do not prepare you for parenthood, there were a few tips and tricks that didn’t seem to show up in any pre-baby research that helped us survive those harrowing first few months that I hope to pass along. These might sound simple, but sometimes it’s the little things that make the biggest difference.

Don’t feel obligated to respond to every message. When our baby arrived, we wanted to share the news with the world. We posted on social media, texted all our friends and family, and shared pictures of our new family of three in the hours after welcoming her into the world. While the congratulatory messages were appreciated, after a few days of text messages pouring in, I started to resent them. Every message seemed more out of touch than the last. “Isn’t it amazing?” or “Enjoy every snuggle and soak it all in.” I remember thinking to myself, “No, this is not amazing. I’m exhausted, I have zero idea what I’m doing, and I’ve cried ten times today because my hormones are raging.” So, to the new mom out there, I’m telling you that it’s OK to turn your phone off, hide it from yourself, or just wait a few days or weeks to respond to those well wishes. Your friends and family will understand.

Accept help when you can. OK, so you’ve heard this advice before. For many new moms, it’s hard to know how to accept this help. What I really needed was someone to come breastfeed my baby at 2 a.m., 4 a.m., and 6 a.m., which clearly was not possible. But accepting help doesn’t always come in the most obvious forms. I found help from my doctors, from a lactation consultant who taught me how to pump and properly use a bottle, from my gynecologist who helped me find a therapist and prescribed me medication when I experienced postpartum depression, and from a distant cousin who reached out on Instagram to say that she was there for me if I needed anything because she knew how lonely motherhood could be. One of the most helpful places I sought help and camaraderie was the Chicago New Moms Group. This weekly meeting of new moms sharing advice and talking about everything from breastfeeding challenges to sleeping woes to how our relationships with our significant others changed turned out to be the highlight of my week.

Give it 14 days. I didn’t put a time limit on how long I was going to breastfeed. Instead, I set out to take it day by day and simply try my best. About eight days into my breastfeeding journey, I told my best friend that I was going to give it up. To my surprise, instead of saying, “Do what is right for you,” in the encouraging and supportive tone she usually took, she told me to try and keep it up for at least 14 days. I was upset that she pushed me on it. Who was she to say that? But sure enough, as each feeding came and went and I reached the two-week mark, something clicked. It felt easier, more natural and became one of my favorite things I do with my daughter. This is definitely not everyone's experience though. I was fortunate to have a good milk supply and a baby who was an expert eater. So I will remind new moms that fed is best. Emily Oster, author of “Cribsheet,” explains there are actually very few scientifically-backed long-term health or cognitive benefits of breastfeeding for your child [in comparison to formula]. 

Treat your baby like you would want to be treated. It’s easy to think of your baby as this fragile doll whose every movement you need to decode. While they are much tinier and dependent on us for survival, they are still human. So if you’re wondering if they are too hot or too cold or if they are happy in that cock-eyed position in their lounger, ask yourself, “Would I be comfortable in that position?” Or, “Is it too hot outside for me to be out here?” 

At the end of the day, no matter how many books you read or how much you try to prepare, nothing can truly prepare you for parenthood. But you’ll figure it out. I promise. Give yourself and your baby a break, everyone is new here. Like most things in life, the more experience you have, the better you become. Take it day by day.