Tips for managing separation anxiety with toddlers
Separation anxiety can ebb and flow throughout your child’s early years. The first big peak of it usually comes as your child approaches 9 months (although I have seen it be earlier). This can be very startling because there can be an abrupt switch from one day your child not noticing you have walked away to the next when you have simply left the room to go to the bathroom and suddenly your child explodes into dramatic cries. Most often, children experience the most separation anxiety from the parent with whom they have a primary attachment. In the US where it is most often moms who are home with babies in the first several months of life, children tend to form that primary attachment to their mother. This means that your child is going to have the most intense reaction to mom walking away. This happen when leaving to go to work, at the end of the day at bedtime or simply just leaving the room for a brief period of time.
Following the first big burst around 9 months, it can settle down again for a few months before popping back up in the 15-18 month range. Generally speaking, children at this age tend to become very attached to both things and people. For example, this tends to be a hard time to wean from nursing or to get rid of the bottle. I also find that this is the age where children will form transient attachments to random items in your home loving something one day, unable to part with it (it could be as obscure as a spatula or hairbrush) and ignoring it the next. And on through the toddler years, there can be a continual roller coaster of separation struggles, for some children more then others. In my house, we referred to these as the “Mommy get you” years. For anyone unfamiliar with toddler-speak, they often refer to themselves as you instead of me. This statement was usually accompanied by an arms up insistence on being picked up.
Managing separation anxiety with your toddler can certainly be a challenge. Like many experiences when parenting a toddler, there isn’t something you are necessarily going to do to fix this in the immediate, but there are things you can do to help the situation improve over time and build coping skills for your child while you are at it. One caveat that is helpful to recognize in the framing of this discussion is that I have most definitely seen an increase in separation anxiety as a result of so much COVID isolation. For many children, in the first several years of their lives, they weren’t really being asked to separate in a way that you would ask them to under normal circumstances. Many children did not leave the home for childcare and parents did not go out in the evenings. Now whether it is the separation that happens every day at bedtime if there is an expectation that your child is sleeping independently or parents want/need to go out in the evenings or maybe travel for work, the separation struggles are heightened.
Here are some suggestions for how to both ease separation anxiety and help your child learn to cope with it:
I am a big fan of the book The Invisible String which is all about how you and your child are still connected, even when you are not together.
As your child practices being away from you more, this will get easier. If grandma lives locally and you want your child to be able to spend time there without you, practice this. The more familiar it becomes, the easier. If you want to be able to have babysitters give you some relief, you will need to have them come somewhat regularly so that they are both familiar to your child and your child trusts that even though you are leaving, you will be coming back.
Have a special drop off routine. Maybe a secret handshake that you share with your child or something special you say to each other. Once you complete the routine and drop off happens, don’t hesitate. Follow through and don’t come back unexpectedly as this can make it hard for your child to predictably understand that you are leaving. If school there is someplace you can go to watch where your child won’t see you, this may reassure you that your child is fine soon after you have left. Trust the teachers to do their job and help your child manage the separation.
Give your child your full attention while separating. If it is at school drop off and you are getting rapid text messages from your boss, give your child your undivided attention for the few minutes it takes to drop them off and deal with the work issue once you have said your good-byes.
Always say good-bye when you are leave. Yes, it may seem easier to sneak off when your child is distracted and playing but inevitably, they will notice you have left and can become hyper vigilant that the minute they aren’t paying attention, you are going to disappear. Even though those good-byes can be hard, with practice, they will get easier and it helps your child trust that when you are there and around, you will be there and not suddenly vanish unexpectedly.
Practice small separations in your home. I often encounter children who never spend any time by themselves even in their home. You can practice the “Excuse me drill” in your home. To do this, when you are in a room where your child is playing, let them know that you are going to leave for some brief reason (getting a tissue, bathroom, etc) and you will be right back. When you come back, offer a lot of praise for what a great job they did playing and being patient while you were gone. Over time, these mini separations become easier and can extend to longer times when you are apart outside you home.
Just like so many other stages of your child’s life, separation anxiety is a phase. It is a normal one. Yes, it is more intense for some children then others, but it is not harmful for your child to experience time away from you, even if that can feel hard sometimes. Your job as a parent is to help your child build coping skills and resilience, not to prevent your child from ever experiencing any hardship. Separation anxiety can be a struggle for sure, but one that improves as you practice and your child grows.