Tips for managing the postpartum period
One of the things that I hear most from moms in The Chicago New Moms Group is that their experience of the postpartum period was not at all what they had expected. I find that there is VERY little that can actually prepare you for this experience as it is so different and often foreign from anything else we have experienced in our lives thus far. It is a crazy combination of learning how to care for your newborn by ensuring that they are eating/gaining weight, sleeping and figuring out how to soothe them when they are fussy and ALSO caring for your own emotional and physical health. Managing just one of those circumstances would feel like a lot for most of us, but in those early postpartum months, you are expected to work through ALL of this. Make no mistake. This is a lot for any one person to handle. Read on for tips that I have gathered from spending thousands of hours with postpartum moms over the last 13 years.
Leave your house once a day
Once you have figured out how to clothe yourself sufficiently (if you are breastfeeding, often just putting on a shirt can be a struggle in those early days), it is essential to leave your house once a day. Before you have a baby, hearing this may sound absurd. You might think “how hard can it be to leave your house?” Once you have a baby, you will understand what a struggle this can be. There is always something that needs to be done and it is easy to find yourself at 2 in the afternoon, still in your spit up covered pajamas, teeth unbrushed, realizing that you haven’t had time to make a cup of coffee, much less drink it or make and eat a meal. Getting anything accomplished when you have a newborn can be very hard. In the beginning, those trips outside may just be for a walk around the block. That’s a great first step. Fresh air and natural sunlight can do wonders for your mood. Once you have practiced a few walks, make a Target run or make flexible plans to meet up with a friend—I say flexible because life can be unpredictable with a newborn. Regardless of what you do, having a plan to leave your house once a day is necessary.
Take a shower, or better yet, a bath every day
It may sound strange that at this point in your life, you need someone to remind you about personal hygiene. Taking care of a newborn can be all consuming. It is very easy for any time spent caring for yourself to fall by the wayside. After my son (my 2nd child) was born, my midwife told me that I should make sure I took a bath once a day. I looked at her like she was crazy knowing that I had a newborn AND a toddler and would hardly have time for a shower, much less something as luxurious sounding as a bath. I made it a priority though, thinking of it as “medical advice” and was glad for it. Not only did it give my partner a chance to practice being responsible for both kids for a brief period of time (something I did all day long), but it was a moment that I knew I would get to myself. One of my favorite books to recommend for new moms about the postpartum experience is To Have and To Hold by Molly Millwood. She says that for anyone who places value on “order, neatness, quiet, solitude and productivity” the experience of motherhood can be particularly discombobulating. Even having those brief minutes of solitude in the bath can be a step towards finding some personal “order.” If a quick shower is all you can manage, then great. Put it on your to do list and check it off. You have now accomplished something for yourself today.
Ask for help and don’t be afraid to be directive and specific about what you need
If you are someone who is used to being generally self sufficient and rarely needs to rely on others for anything, the postpartum period can really throw you for a loop. By the time in our lives that many of us have babies (which is even later then it used to be), we are very competent and capable women. You know how to manage in your personal life and in your professional life. You may even be responsible for teams of employees and million dollar budgets. No matter where you were in life pre-motherhood, there is nothing like having a baby that can remind us that regardless of who you were before, you are a different person now and are starting from square 1 with this new role. We are not meant to do this job alone. Many moms, myself included, have been fed a false narrative that tells us that we can do it all. We are not meant to raise children in our isolated silos. New parents should be surrounded by their families and a community of support to both care for the parents who can barely take care of themselves and to serve as guides through this new world. Instead, we are sent home from the hospital after 2 days and wished “Good luck!” left to fend for ourselves. So when visitors do come, they should be responsible for caring for the parents while parents are learning how to care for their baby. Ask for what you need. Maybe it’s “can you please throw in this load of laundry” or “can you do the dishes in the sink” or “can you play with my toddler so I can have a few moments alone with the baby” or “can you take this list and go to the grocery store” or “can you hold the baby so I can take a nap.” Try to let go of the fact that things may not get done in the way you want them done but that is okay. This is a moment in time. Someday, you will again gain control over your household, but now is not that time.
Surround yourself with experts
A sure-fire way to know that you are entering a new stage in your life is that your Instagram ads have all changed. It used to be that you saw ads for travel destinations or dog related products. Now that you are pregnant, your ads are targeting all things pregnancy related and soon they shift to all things new mom and baby. Any new parent will tell you that there are about a million people out there, both real and virtual, who are going to try to provide guidance and their take on what you should or shouldn’t be doing as a new mom. It’s a lot of information, and it is mostly confusing and contradictory. Sometimes, one of your tasks as a new parent becomes sorting out the helpful information from the noise. There are, however, people out there who are truly experts on things that you may need help with postpartum. Breastfeeding is the number one topic that comes up in every 1st session of The Chicago New Moms Group as something that moms are struggling with. I highly recommend finding an Internationally Board Certified Lactation Consultant (and IBCLC as they are often referred to). These providers are incredibly well trained to help you navigate what is assumed to be a natural experience but is often way more challenging then anticipated. To find someone who is covered by your health insurance, check out The Lactation Network. You should be able to identify a lactation consultant who will come to your home and provide hands on support and guidance. Managing your emotional health at this time is also very challenging and can catch many of us off guard. Fortunately, there are many well trained mental health professionals who can provide essential support at this transformative transition in our lives. Postpartum Support International is a great resource for finding a postpartum specific professional in your area. Please note that you do NOT need to be experiencing all of the clinical symptoms of postpartum depression or anxiety to need extra help. This is a time of life when we all need extra help. Many of these providers work virtually so you don’t actually need to leave your home to get this support. Lastly, as moms, our own physical health is often neglected after we have a baby. Despite being short on time and energy, this is a really important time to pay attention to your body’s recovery from what is most definitely trauma (the experience of being pregnant for 9 months and giving birth, no matter how your baby came out). Pelvic floor physical therapists are magicians when it comes to helping our bodies recover from this experience. You can find a physical therapist with this training in your area through www.pelvicrehab.com.
Find your people
Clearly, I would be remiss if I didn’t tout the incredible benefits that come from meeting and connecting with others who are sharing this crazy new motherhood experience. Recently, a mom in The Chicago New Moms Group told me that the recommendation to join the group was the best bit of unsolicited advice that she received as a new mom. It goes without saying that there is TONs of that unsolicited advice being thrown all over the place when you are a new parent, and mostly I encourage moms to smile, nod and ignore the majority of it. This advice, however, I whole-heartedly endorse. If you are in the Chicago area, consider participating an upcoming session of The Chicago New Moms Group or if you are located elsewhere, do a google search for “new moms groups” in your area. Some maybe formal as is the one that I run and some may be more informal meet ups. I would also look to see if there is a neighborhood moms Facebook group in your area that you can join to connect with others who are nearby. I would also look for mom and baby yoga or fitness classes, baby music or gross motor play (for babies once they are more mobile) classes in your area. All of these are environments that will put you in contact with other parents who are at a similar life stage as you are. Yes, it can be awkward to try to make new friends, especially when it is a less formalized setting for meeting others. If you are able to put yourself out there though, you are likely to find other moms are seeking to connect with others just like you are.