Life with a Newborn, It’s a Whirlwind

Every human being is different, every baby is different.  You can compare your baby to your friend’s and you can compare one of your children to one of your other children but one thing always remains the same:  they all change at a very rapid pace in the early months.  I find this to be one of the most challenging parts of being a new mom.

Picture this:  You are a competent professional.  You go to work (okay, so maybe that just involves walking into a different room in your house currently), you have a number of tasks set out before you for the day, you know what you need to do to accomplish those tasks, you have conversations with your coworkers and superiors or maybe you manage your staff so that things get done, you reach the end of your day knowing what you have completed and what needs to be done tomorrow, the next day, the next month or in the next quarter.  This is what it means to be a competent adult.

But here comes a newborn who defies all sense of consistency and predictability.  They sleep on their own schedule but not for any significant periods of time, they eat on their own schedule—sometimes for hours at a time, they poop multiple times a day—sometimes requiring full clothing changes or a bath, they need soothing to fall asleep and stay asleep, and a whole host of other consuming experiences that lead to the day being halfway gone without even knowing what you have done in that time.  Yes, they are cute.  Yes, they are remarkable in their ability to develop in front of our eyes, but they do not fit into our pre baby experience of what life looks like. 

What’s more is that just when we think we have things figured out, babies change on us!  This is because they are growing and developing at a very rapid pace in the first several months.  It’s enough to make your head spin!  So what does a mom who likes to feel in control, accomplished and competent do when she feels so out of sorts??  What would anyone do in this situation?  We try to control it.  We try to learn everything we can.  We desperately search Amazon and Google (at all hours of the night) for tools to fix these things that feel REALLY problematic.  If only there were a fix for these things!  If only you could throw money at the problem or math it out and it would resolve.  But that’s not how babies work.  They have to grow and develop and in doing so, they will go through fussy times and happy times and times when they sleep more and times when you can’t even put them down for a minute.

So what can you do?  Some of this depends on where you are on your new parenting path:

If you are a soon to be new mom

Know that the first few weeks to month are hard.  See above for what hard actually looks like.  Know that it is okay to be in survival mode.  Know that you are on a tremendous learning curve.  Outsource what you can to take care of yourself—groceries can be delivered, meals can be made for you either by friends, family or restaurant delivery, your house can be cleaned by others, your dog can be walked by others.  You don’t have to do EVERYTHING.  Your partner is your partner in all things.  They have a HUGE role.  Let them learn how to do the hard stuff too.  Your job is to get to know your baby and let your baby get to know you.  ASK FOR HELP.  Accept that you have a newborn and not a fully formed human.  Your baby really needs you and is learning how to trust you and is also going through a LOT as he or she is figuring out how to be out in the world. 

If you are “in it” and trying to survive the first 4 months of parenthood

Look at how far you have come since night 1 in the hospital.  I bet those first few days to weeks were very rough, but you have already learned a lot and made a ton of progress.  Yes, there is more to go.  This is a marathon, not a sprint.  Try to tune into your baby and tune out the noise coming from well meaning advice (from friends/family/the internet) if it isn’t feeling helpful.  I’m not saying this will be possible to do all the time.  It will ebb and flow but when you are feeling overwhelmed and struggling to tease out what to listen to and what to ignore, take a moment to think “what is my baby telling me?”

If you have made it through the newborn phase and are about to do it again with a subsequent child

Know that it is okay to not like the newborn phase.  This doesn’t mean that you don’t love your child.  It is but one stage and you now know that there are many more to come that you may much prefer.  That doesn’t make you a bad parent, that makes you normal.  Remember that change is inevitable and you will again have a new normal after passing through this patch of intense variability.  You survived it once, you can do it again.

You’ve got this mama!