Why moms struggle to ask for help
Before we have our first child, we often wonder “How much work can one small baby actually be?” The answer is, “A LOT!” There have been many moms in The Chicago New Moms Group who have been daycare workers, nannies, preschool teachers, kindergarten teachers, etc—essentially people who are skilled at taking care of multiple children. They all say that they find a classroom of 3 year olds, 5 year olds or whatever age children easier to handle then their own small newborn.
Having a newborn to care for is a lot of work. In many cases, our own self care falls by the wayside when we have a newborn. Finding a few minutes to do simple tasks like take a shower, brush your teeth, go to the bathroom, and eat food become very challenging. Moms remark to me all the time that it is often noon or later by the time they realize that they haven’t had a chance to do any of these things. The sad state of universal parental leave policies means that many moms are doing the work of new parenting all alone during the day. However, even when there are people who can help, moms are still sometimes reluctant to ask for help.
Why don’t moms ask for help?
They think they can do it all
These days, moms are super competent people in their “pre-mom” lives. They are doctors, lawyers, editors, CEOs, financial analysts, the list goes on. We have years of education and training, and we are good at what we do! And then comes a baby who we love with every ounce of our being and consumes every moment of our lives in the early months. Yes, it is a lot of work, but we are capable so we can do it all. Why not? We are used to being able to accomplish things and feel good about the outcome but having a baby takes hours and hours of thankless effort. But, this is something that should come naturally so why should you need help? But you do.
We fear judgment
“What if asking for help means that I can’t take care of my own baby?” This question often goes around in the heads of moms in those early months. This is a question that we use to judge ourselves, and also one that we think others are using to judge us. Caring for a baby is HARD work. There is absolutely no shame in asking for help. Remember the motto “It takes a village”? It certainly can take many people to help when a newborn is around. If anyone else required that they be regularly fed, changed, soothed, changed again, held, soothed some more, it would be a multi-person job. Even if someone comes to help you care for your baby (or helps take care of you!), you will still have plenty of opportunities to be caring for your own child. Remember, it is 24 hours a day, and that is a lot of hours!
No one else can care for my baby the same way I do
You are right, no one else is your child’s mom. It is likely that no one else is going to soothe your baby in exactly the same way you do, and you may be able to soothe your baby faster then others can. This is for at least 2 reasons: 1) Babies in our culture form one primary attachment in the first 4 months of their life, and that attachment is to the person they spend the most time with which is usually Mommy. This also means that your child feels the most safe and secure with you so will someday save their worst behavior for you, but that is a topic for another article. 2) if you are nursing, you have magic boobs that often will solve any problem. Hungry? Nursing solves this. Tired? Nursing solves this. Feeling a little needy? Nursing solves this.
Despite these fixes by mom, this does not mean that other people are not capable of providing care and comfort for your baby. No, they are not going to do it in the same way that you do, but that doesn’t mean what they are doing is wrong. It may take longer for others to soothe your baby, but it is good and healthy for your child to be used to other care providers to take care of your baby.
Social media makes it look like others do it all on their own
Just seeing a photo on Facebook or Instagram of a mom and her happy/angelic/sleeping baby can give the appearance that life with a baby or child always looks like this. Photos are one small second in time. Photos don’t show anything behind the scenes. Maybe that mom’s partner is sitting right next to her, out of the shot. Maybe her mom is living with them for the first 3 months of the baby’s life. It is possible that she has help, but we don’t know that from the photo. So we make assumptions that she is easily doing it all herself.
How do you start to ask for help?
Psychotherapist and co-founder of the therapy practice The Wildflower Center for Emotional Health, Aga Grabowski, MA, LCSW says, “To really thrive in their new role, women… need a robust community of support, and not to feel that flying solo signals that they are rocking at motherhood. Mothers need to be able to rely on others and not feel bad about doing so – which in essence asks them and those around them to loosen the culturally conditioned belief that pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps, self-sufficiency, and autonomy in all things signifies the highest level of success.”
A good place to start to ask for help is with your partner. If your partner isn’t really helping either because he doesn’t know how or you feel like it is easier for you to do everything yourself rather then describe to him what needs doing, this is something that can change. Pick something that can be his task. Maybe bath time can be his job. Or maybe it is even that he changes all the diapers when he is home. I’m also a proponent of leaving baby home with Dad for a few hours on a Saturday morning while you aimlessly roam the isles of Target and he has to “figure it out,” just like you when you were home by yourself. This will teach him what you need from him because it will provide greater understanding of the challenges of caring for a newborn on your own.
Are there other people in your life that are available to help such as a retired grandparent or aunt or even sibling? Even just knowing that you have regular help coming one day a week for a few hours of day can provide a significant amount of relief. If you feel awkward telling them what you need them to do, put up a list that they just know they can refer to when they come. Sure, it is helpful for someone to hold the baby while you take a nap, but there is always laundry to throw in, switch to the dryer, fold and put away. A sink full of dishes and/or pump parts to wash. Even better is someone who can make a meal to throw in the freezer for another time.
If you don’t have a relative who can help and you have the means, a postpartum doula provides not just incredible educational support but also practical help in your home. She can do any of the above listed tasks and probably even come up with some that would be helpful that you may not have even realized would make a significant difference in your quality of life. Postpartum doulas are amazing. In Chicago, there are several doula groups where you can find someone to help such as Windy City Doulas, Doulas of Chicago, Birthways, Chicago Family Doulas, or an independent doula such as Jalussee Miller.
While these early days can feel like they last forever, someday you will look back and realize what a brief moment in time it really was. Knowing that you are being supported and helped by others can make these first few months both run more smoothly and increase the chances that this doesn’t become fertile territory for depression and anxiety. We all want to feel normal, we all want to get back to a time when things felt easy. Aga says, “to feel normal and good about themselves, many postpartum women believe that the sooner they can function like they used to – pretty autonomously, without having to rely on others for much help – the better.” We don’t have to do this on our own. There will be a point in time when you don’t need the help and maybe you can offer help to another new mama out there. This is not that time. It is okay to ask for help. Its even good for you and for your baby.