5 reasons why it’s hard to be a new mom
Prior to having a baby, it is VERY hard to anticipate what the experience of being a new mom will actually feel like. You can take classes in newborn care, breastfeeding and childbirth that are all supposed to prepare you for the experience of the birth and provide the skills you will need in the early months. When it comes down to it though, it is very hard to truly understand what the experience will be like when it becomes a reality. I believe that this is because the adjustments that you have to make when you become a parent are so multifaceted and unlike anything you have experienced thus far that it is nearly impossible to anticipate what the experience will be like. These are just a few of the many things that make the transition to motherhood so hard.
It’s lonely!
In current pandemic times, many people are lonelier then they have ever been in their lives. The loneliness of motherhood is different though. In technical terms, you are not actually alone. It is hard to conceptualize how you can spend so much time with another human being (your baby), but still feel so alone. It’s really remarkable. Of course, a newborn isn’t really such a great conversationalist so it doesn’t really compare to the company of another adult. The loneliness isn’t just about being by yourself, it is also about feeling like you alone are responsible for being your child’s mother and when this is still a foreign experience, it can feel very lonely. Many moms feel like they are the only ones who really know how to calm, comfort, feed and soothe their babies. Even if there are others who are capable and willing to do this work, moms may not feel like it is possible to give up that control and therefore you may feel very alone in your role as your child’s mother. I also believe that the experience of maternal gatekeeping contributes to this loneliness.
So many decisions
The start of the day with a newborn brings on a million questions. Here’s an example: “My baby just woke up, should I feed him and try to get him back to sleep or should we just start the day? He’s crying. Is he still hungry or just ready to be up for the day? Why is he crying? Am I not making enough milk? Is he uncomfortable because of something I ate? Does he have gas? Will he hang out for a minute on his own while I try to brush my teeth? Is there something wrong or is this normal for a baby?” That is just a few of the many questions that occur to moms, often one after the other. We are making many decisions both big and small all day long. Some of those big decisions may be related to feeding like whether to continue trying to breastfeed when it not going well or feels very difficult or should you exclusively pump? Should you switch to formula and if so, which one (this can be hard to figure out in and of itself), should you go back to work or stay home? If you are staying home, how will this impact your future career goals? If you are going back to work, what kind of childcare are you going to find? How do you find a daycare that you like? How do you find a nanny you are comfortable with? These decisions often fall on moms. The decision fatigue can be very overwhelming and consuming. Some moms have partners who are excellent participants in the process of making these tough decisions. Others, not so much.
Hard to sort through conflicting information
From the very start of parenting, moms often notice the vast amount of conflicting information out there related to parenting. A perfect example is that your pediatrician may tell you one thing about breastfeeding and how to feed your child and a lactation consultant may tell you something totally different. I would even go so far as to say that 2 different pediatricians could contradict one another just like 2 different lactation consultants could give you conflicting information as well. It’s really enough to make your head spin! Combine this with the above discussed decision fatigue and it is very hard to sort through all of the noise to figure out what is going to be right for your child. The same conflict of information holds true on many topics such as feeding and sleeping. In many cases, this contradiction comes from the fact that no one way is going to be “right” for every child. Ultimately, what it really comes down to is that some things are going to work well for certain types of children and parents and not well for others. While it would be nice for one size to fit all (this would certainly cut down on the decision making), it would take away from what makes us (and our children) all unique individuals.
Little to no sleep: Often not how we expect exhaustion to feel
Prior to becoming parents, many of us have pull all-nighters to finish undone work for either school or a job. We may feel like we have a pretty good ability to function on little to no sleep. The exhaustion that comes when you are a new mom is different though. After those all nighters, you could probably crash for several hours and play catch up and then go back to your usual sleep schedule. Babies often come out with their days and nights reversed because in utero, they sleep when you are in motion and then are wakeful when you are still. It can take several weeks for some babies to sort out their days and nights. Even once this is on track, many babies prefer to be held all.the.time. Sometimes they want to be held with motion which isn’t all that relaxing, and doesn’t tend to lend itself to sleep for parents. If you are lucky, you have a newborn who likes to take some decent naps, during which time you might sneak in a nap yourself. Many newborns like to take super short naps which means that as soon as you manage to drift off, they are back up. For the first few weeks, we are often functioning on the adrenaline that comes from those post-birth endorphins. The newness of it all can feel exciting enough that the sleepiness may not feel so oppressive initially. By about 8 weeks, the exhaustion starts to set in. Over time, getting less then 5 hours of consecutive sleep decreases our motor skills, increases cognitive problems, leads to an increase in postpartum mood disorders and actually increases the risk of death by all causes (often related to accidents) by 15%.
Emotional exhaustion also adds to the actual sleeplessness
Some of this comes from the above mentioned decision fatigue but also from the fact that moms are also often thinking 5 events ahead in time. This can feel like constantly running on a hamster wheel. For example, the running dialogue in a new moms brain can sound something like this “The baby is waking up, I need to feed him, but then he is probably going to poop so I’ll need to change him and hopefully we can fit in some tummy time but then he will spit up so there might be another change of clothes in there, what time does he need to go back to sleep so that he doesn’t get overtired? Have I brushed my teeth today? Darn it! That laundry is still in the washing machine from 2 days ago.” And so on. Exhausting!
Hard to know what your instincts are and how to trust them
Often we go into motherhood with the illusion that after a baby is born, we will instinctually know our child and how to care for him or her. In reality, it can take months, sometimes years to develop instincts for parenting (I say years because our children are always growing into new stages and developing so once we have instincts for parenting a baby, they become toddlers and so on). Whether you carry your baby in your body for 9 months, adopt or become a parent through surrogacy, your child is a stranger. Someone you have to get to know and who has to get to know you. This takes time. As moms, often we put in many many hours with our babies in the beginning and all of that time leads to the development of those instincts. More often then not, I believe that moms have better instincts for what their baby needs and who their child is then they give themselves credit for. I often remind moms that as their child’s mom, they know their child best. Better then your pediatrician, your mother in law, your nanny or anyone else who comes in contact with your child and might give you advice. Developing those instincts and then growing to trust them takes time. Give yourself grace and have patience with both yourself and with this process. It will happen!
Motherhood is a hard job. So much harder then we can ever imagine it to be. Be kind to yourself. You’ve got this mama!