How are you, really?
It’s the standard start of most conversations: “Hi! How are you?” It’s common courtesy to ask people how they are when you greet them. Since March of this year though, in every conversation I have with parents, I find myself feeling like we need a new greeting. Because how are we all, really? Well, let’s see:
If you are a new mom, this was probably not how you anticipated your postpartum/maternity leave period would be. You expected grandparent help, friends to come over for visits (hopefully bringing food!), an in person new moms group, maybe some paid help like a postpartum doula or a night nurse.
If you have small children and you are a stay at home parent, you probably used to fill your days and your child’s days going to the park and various classes at the library, little kid gym, music class, etc—now, none of those are options.
If you have small children and you were working, you may now not have childcare, but you are still attempting to be your best self at your job in the face of unreasonable expectations (don’t fool yourself—it is not sustainable to both feel good about the work you are doing at your job and care for a small child/children simultaneously).
If you have small children and have decided to continue with your childcare (either a nanny, family member or daycare), you may be regularly sorting through the constant reassessment of level of risk that you find yourself being forced to accept. Not to mention the judgment that may come from others who don’t agree with your decisions.
Maybe you were working and now you have become a stay at home parent either because it made the most financial sense to take care of the kids or because you lost your job. Either way, this was never your plan. There can be an intense loss of identity here.
Maybe you have school age children for whom you are now responsible for ensuring that their education doesn’t slip in the face of insufficient schooling. It may never have been your parenting plan to homeschool your children.
On top of the scenarios above, there is the ever present constant level of anxiety that comes from prolonged vigilance about the health and safety of those we love. So the answer that most parents want to give to the “How are you?” question is, “this sucks!” Make no mistake, COVID times are hard for everyone. I don’t think that it is easy at the moment to be a single person, a couple, a toddler, a school age child or an elderly person. Every demographic is struggling in their own way as a result of living through a pandemic. Maybe I am biased (I can acknowledge this), but I feel like this is most challenging for parents.
How do we get through?
We can do this. As I often tell my kids “You can do hard things.” But getting through every single day takes constant work and constant effort. So how do we get through? I try to constantly remind myself that living in COVID times is hard. This is not normal. It is not something that any of us were planning for or anticipated. Now that the initial shock of it all has worn off, we are learning to adjust to the new normal of life as we know it (and how it may be for the long term because many things may never be the same). I acknowledge that it isn’t supposed to be easy. When I remind myself of this, it helps me remember that I need to cut myself some slack. To remember that even though it feels like it is forever, it is only temporary. There will be another side that we all come out on. No, we don’t know when that will be, but oh boy will we be those grandparents who say “When I was your age, we had the COVID 19 pandemic!”
What could you do for yourself?
On those tough days, think about what could make it a little better. Maybe you need a 10 minute walk around the block by yourself—you certainly deserve at least that! Maybe you need to have a time renegotiation discussion with your partner. Even if you are a stay at home parent, you deserve time off! Can you arrange for a half day off? It doesn’t matter what you do, just take the time for yourself. Read a book or a trashy celebrity magazine, take a nap, exercise, organize your closet (if that makes you happy), grocery shop by yourself (its like a vacation!). And when you are “off” you are off, even if you are in your home. That means that when you are off, it is your partner’s job to be in charge of the kids and adhere to the limits you set. Same goes for when it is your partner’s time off. Maybe you think through how to safely see friends outside and get a bit of a laughter infusion? Don’t underestimate the power of laughing with friends.
We need to give ourselves some grace
Your best is good enough. Maybe say that over and over in the tough moments. Some days, these days, our best may not look like what it did back before March. Maybe today wasn’t your best day as a parent. Maybe you yelled more or there was more screen time then you would prefer or maybe you even broke down and sobbed. We’ve all been there. That’s okay. There is tomorrow to try again and, chances are, you’ll be doing the same things you did today (ah, pandemic times…). And as is the constant COVID refrain, hang in there. You got this mama.